JUL 15, 2006

Pardon me, might you be interested in procuring an extra ass-hole?  I happen to have one I’m trying to get rid of, so I can get you a great deal. 

No, wait, don’t walk away!   By “ass-hole,” I do not mean a lout, a jerk, a nasty chap, but of the body part, the literal hole in one’s nether regions. 

I have an extra one, and I’m offering it to you at a very reasonable price.  I’ve really no need for it, but I’m sure there’s someone else who could put it to good use.  It’s brand-new, hardly been used.  Just one owner.  It’s quite small.  Svelte.  Petite. Chic. I’m sure it would suit you well.  Did I mention it’s been inspected recently by various rectal authorities? 

You don’t look convinced.  No, I did not steal it!  Madam, you offend me!  I came by this commodity honestly and naturally, with some help from an upstanding and learned acquaintance, a highly-respected doctor.  Is it defective?  Goodness, no!  Again, you impugn my honor – I am a man of utmost integrity!  It’s just that I also happen to be a man of generosity, you see, and therefore I would like you to have it. 

It’s true, I could keep it for myself, and yet I wish you to have it, madam – nothing would give me greater pleasure than seeing someone else, rather than I, enjoy all the benefits of this ass-hole. 

I am sorry if my use of the word “ass” offends.  I am sorry that you feel the need to cup your hands over the ears of your young child and glare at me as though I were some depraved lunatic.  But in any description – derriere perhaps, would be better? –  the item itself, this rectal opening I offer to you, is of clear benefit and, dare I say, a tremendous bargain.  You are clearly a person who values appearances and the renewal of the body – one hardly notices the Botox and nose job you have recently enjoyed!  But who among your friends, no doubt all as glamorous as you, can say that she has not just a newly-refined face and a perkily enhanced bust, but a new ass-hole?  None, I would guess, for rare is the opportunity to procure such a thing. 

Especially at this price.  In fact, I’m willing to give it to your for free.  I see you are dialing your cell phone, perhaps to call your accountant, but I assure you, this will not require a review of your accounts or the forgoing of your planned trip to Paris – as I said, for you, I shall make a deal.  No charge.  Free.

No?  You refuse my offer?  You call me mad?  Madam, I assure you, I am absolutely sincere in my offer – I would truly, genuinely, like you to have my extra ass-hole. 

I beg of you to consider this opportunity.  Surely you know how fortunate you are to have an ass-hole, and to live in country where you can procure an extra one.  Surely you are aware of those in other less-developed nations who are less fortunate.  You do know, don’t you, that there are many in Nicaragua who have no ass-holes, due to a genetic condition, and instead have implanted spigots under their armpits to perform the function?  Yes, very tragic – if not for the faucets, it would come out their ears.  But the government is corrupt, and limits access to the surgery, and so these afflicted individuals have had to resort to guerilla warfare as a means of expressing their outrage. 

Have you no sympathy for the armpitspigotistas, madam?   

There is no need to resort to invective, madam, and surely it is disruptive to your child’s psychological well-being to shout “Get away from me, you fucking nut-job!” at such an innocent and well-meaning gentleman such as I. 

I beseech you: take this extra ass-hole from me!  I don’t want it anymore! 

Fine.  Run away.  You are not worthy of my generosity, anyway, madam. 

Ah, hello there, sir!  Pardon me . . .