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SEPTEMBER 17, 2006
FOR
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Doug Mack
guts@douglasmack.net
LOCAL MAN TO
ADD EXTRA HOUR TO EACH DAY
“Doug’s Daily Daylight
Saving Time” (DDDST) Effective Immediately
Minneapolis —
Citing pressure from his colon and other powerful bodies, area resident
Doug Mack, 25, has announced that his day will consist of 25 hours,
effective immediately. The populace as a whole will remain
unaffected, the length of its days unchanged, but will be expected to
respect and accommodate the inevitable quirks that will arise
concerning Mack’s scheduling of work, meetings, hot dates, etcetera.
“I just don’t see how I can possibly be expected to take the
three-plus daily sitz baths ordered by my doctor, work a full day at my
normal job, get ample sleep and do all the other things I need to do
within this brief allotment of time,” said Mack. “One more hour
in my day is a very reasonable request.”
Among the “other things” Mack intends to do in his extra hour are get
that extra rest he’s been meaning to get, read that book he’s been
meaning to read, update that blog he’s been meaning to update and check
out that restaurant – the one that’s right
across the street, for fuck’s sake! – that he’s been meaning to
try, as well as “having at least a microscopic speck of a social life.”
Additionally, he said, “I move slowly. Turtles pass me.
One-legged dogs pass me. I routinely hear tiny voices saying ‘On
your left’ and turn around to see snails whiz by me. I still have
two holes in my rear, and even though they don’t hurt, I need to move
gingerly or else I run the risk of my jelly doughnut losing its
filling, if you catch my drift.”
DDDST will be implemented in the same manner as the upcoming annual
“fall back” of clocks everywhere – each night, Mack will simply “fall
back” one hour.
Legislation to make this proposal into law, is currently pending in
Congress, and is sponsored by Rep. Payne Indabut (I-BD).
Organizational supporters include the League of Conservation of Colons
(LCC), Mothers Opposing Dastardly Diseases (MODD), and Fathers Against
Rectal Trauma.
For further information about DDDST and how it may affect your
community, please contact guts@douglasmack.net.
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